Cars and Shoes

Now I have a passion for cars there is nothing quite like the simple pleasure of finding an open bit of road and nailing the throttle. As a result the car I own is perfect for the job a real drivers car, however this means that as round town / long trip with your girlfriend kind of car it isn't ideal. Well I say that in the fact that she hates it claiming it to be too uncomfortable and noisy, yes I can concur that a 3.5 inch straight through exhaust on a car pushing out the best part of 400bhp has got a certain deafening quality, but what a beautiful sound it makes there is nothing like going full chatt through a tunnel (from experience don't do this with your girlfriend in the car, trust me). So she's not a fan of it really, but it's impractical to have a car each since we live in London, which kind of brings me round to the point of the 'discussion' that we had about it. She believes I should sell it and get some little run around and me not doing so is a blatant slap in the face and down right selfishness. So in my defence I was trying to think of something on her part that was equally impractical, that she spent what I thought was a daft amount of money on and causes me grief. What was it? Shoes.

Now being an ordinary kind of chap before I met my girlfriend I owned 3 pairs of shoes which were perfectly adequate for my needs. You tell any girl that and they will laugh, now my girlfriend is a shoe fiend has them coming out of everywhere the last post referring to them the count was 107 ('We' need more storage) since then there have been an additional 4 pairs that I know of. Now comfort and practicality aren't a consideration when she is purchasing these shoes, which does effect me in one of two ways. Firstly nights out you have to find somewhere that you can sit even if it's the scabby table by the toilets there is no possibility of standing for any length of time which also means if it's busy it's a convenient excuse not to go to the bar. Secondly the end of the night now this is cause of many a 'discussion' as her feet are so sore that she is unable to walk to get a night bus, so means a taxi every time the problem being in that every other woman has the same problem and are all waiting at the front door for one. This either means waiting for hours or walking down the road to try and intercept one on the way up, but because of her feet this means a piggy back, now you look around any city centre on a weekend evening and count the number of women on mens backs with a pair of shoes in their hands.

So am I going to get rid of my car for something more practical? Yes, the day my girlfriend trims her shoe collection down to under 10.

Why women want to change men

Why do women want to change men, well ask them and they'll say they don't they just need a bit of tweaking. I and many other men out there know that this tweaking is pretty consistent but is not always in the delivered in the preferential man way of just coming out and saying it first time. Now I'm not saying that it never comes in that fashion just usually only when all forms of woman delivery have been exhausted these include

• Telepathy
• Inferred either by picture or comment about a friend
• Suggestion something along the lines of "Wouldn't it be nice if..."
  
• Silence

The problem being is that men are unable to use any of the above communication, which means that after an exhaustive period of time the question is then delivered with some venom as it's been established that you are not willing to change because you have ignored all of the above. Lets take a real world example now if spot any of these I can tell you what she's after.

1. Telepathy - To be honest I can't do this if you can every other man envies you, you absolute bastard.
2. Inferred "Wow I hadn't seen Paul for a while he's looking really good" Now this kind of narrows it down, but you need a good leading question "How do you mean?" "Well really fit looking" Now this is where it becomes some what disguised since they don't want to tell you to change.
3. Suggestion "Wouldn't you like to be able to run a marathon?" Now this is a question were many men including myself fail we take it as it seems and ignore that the important part is like to be able so reply "Hmm get up at 6am to train in the cold and rain, give up alcohol and takeaways... nope I couldn't think of anything worse" Now depending on how many of these suggestion have gone before in the day the next step maybe sidestepped completely.
4. Silence the conversation ends with a look, if you happen to be watch TV you'll miss it and think that the conversation has reached it's logical end.
5. The question now this is delivered depending on length of silence and how many suggestions have been previously ignored and still not in a straightforward manner "So I suppose you just want to sit on the sofa watch tv and go to football on saturday and watch all these athletic men do things you can't" To be honest you still may not get the point and that's the problem.

Women don't want to be perceived as naggers or someone who wants to change you but the fact of the matter is, they do. Being a man you hanker for an easy life and to be honest are quite open to change is just that you had no previous reason to do it because you easy life was with yourself but seriously our easy lives are effected by having to go though the entire above process and not by just being able to say "Your looking a bit fat, I think you should lose a bit of weight and tone up a bit" Now how difficult was that?

The Olympics and drugs

Now I've been watching the Olympics and have been quite amazed at Usain Bolt, but thinking back to Ben Johnston when he ran a 9.79 he blitzed the field got me thinking. If people are going to take drugs to get an advantage why don't we let them and see how fast they can go. Now no doubt all the people who are boycotting watching the Olympics because of the Tibet situation will probably think it's a terrible idea and quite frankly they can stick their carbon front print up their own backsides. The fact of the matter is that people have an odd fascination with freaks, think about it how often do you see something a bit weird and have to tell the next person you see be it a albino, midget, giant or just a stupidly big pair of boobs. Drugged up athletes running under 9 secs for the 100m would be amazing. Take swimming as another example Micheal Phelps has a big wingspan which helps him out, well how about someone extending their arms with titanium rods to have a 7 foot wing span an see how fast they can go, it'd be brilliant.

No more drama

The gap between postings has mostly been taken up by drama, not of the tv variety of the girlfriend type which is amusing but lacks the ability to turn it off if you've had enough. How is it that any woman can make anything into the biggest / most important event / problem / dilemma out of things that you consider of no importance what so ever. I think part of it comes back to how woman's brains work as I mentioned in Einstein and Me they are obviously deeply pessimistic about the outcome where as I have just to the conclusion of "fuck it"

Now working in IT you always look into preventative actions now this works well with logical devices such as computers, sure it takes a bit of experience as well. But this simply doesn't work with women I think they believe that all men must posses mind reading abilities to know such things as, well lets give you an example from each of our perspectives.

The scenario: Your girlfriend stubs her toe on something in the other room, you hear a shriek of pain, shortly followed by some low level murmurs to which you say you can't hear what she is saying shortly after follow scream obscenities in your direction.

From my perspective: She's stubbed her toe on something and now is annoyed because it hurts, which is somehow my fault but I have no idea why as it was in a room I rarely frequent and I haven't seen what it was.

From her perspective (guesstimated) : I walk into the room looking for something, it's a complete mess, I'll never find it, why doesn't he ever clean the house properly doesn't he know the pressure that I am under to do everything. Now slightly annoyed at this thought continue to look. Bang! stub my toe that really hurt what the hell was that? Oh look what a surprise it's the coat hook that I asked him to buy which he did but just put in the room and never put up, why is he so half arsed at doing these things. Firstly I had to ask him to buy it, could he not see that we don't have enough room to hang all the coats up, then he doesn't even put it up what does he need a diagram of where it should go? Why am I living in house that is half finished does he not care enough about me to make sure that everything is sorted do I have to tell him that the door handle to this room is loose can he not see that for himself. Right that's it I'm saying something.

Now I only know part of the from her perspective because of the 'discussion' that followed afterwards, but seriously telepathy doesn't work just ask, seriously out of her stubbing her toe it established the following. Even though I rarely use the room (it's pretty much an extended wardrobe) I should clean that room when cleaning, I should have noticed that the door handle was loose and should have put up the coat hook even though she never told me where to put it and it would have been in the wrong place, however I did ask at the time and never got a response and then was never asked again.

And this is just once event a simple stubbing of the toe, you think how many events happen in a day and however insignificant you think they are, you are wrong so so wrong.

Einstein and Me

Now I wouldn't have thought that I would have a lot in common with old Albert, but after reading the following quote from him I completely concur.

"Some men spend a lifetime in an attempt to comprehend the complexities of women. Others preoccupy themselves with the simpler tasks such as understanding the theory of relativity"

To be honest if one of the worlds greatest minds struggled, seriously how are the rest of us supposed to understand them. So I'm thinking about taking this quote and actually learning the theory of relativity and then using it any situations where I am required in some way to understand what my girlfriend is thinking or why she reacted in the way that she did.

I have to say one common theme of our conversations is how women's brains work, they seem to just think too much about everything, every possible outcome and then consequence of that outcome and then the reaction to the consequence of that outcome then all the possible outcomes to these and the consequences of these and related reactions to those consequences. Now if you found that complicated to read imagine being able to process that in a second and calculate the percentage of unfavourable outcomes, this is how a woman's brain works all the time. Now when my girlfriend begins to explain this I tell her she thinks to much and if I thought that much about everything I'd never get anything done, say anything and probably go mental. At which points she calls me a insensitive bastard for telling her she's mental. Now a solution to this would just be not to talk at all but this is impractical as then you are deemed to be in a mood and the same applies if you try to apply the above mental process to anything that you are going to say since it takes so long to work it all out there is a uncomfortable silence.

So much like Einstein, don't bother trying to understand it all just say what comes to mind and then baffle her with science.

The blogging bandwagon

Now working in online for a few years, I've always wondered what's the point of a blog I mean this blog is shite and I know it, the reason for doing it is because I'm bored and it's quick and easy. Now if you read all the stats blogging is huge and every company who has a website are tripping over themselves to have a one, why? The way I see it is the reason that blogs are so popular much like myspace and the like is because they are websites for idiots, what I mean by this is back in the day you needed to know how to build a website, how code it, how to host it, it was all pretty complicated for your average Joe. Now it's as easy as putting on underwear and that's why all of them have some shite in them and 50% are c***ts. So why do these company's what one well they are told look at the growth it's the next big thing, bollox it's websites for idiots and you are an idiot for thinking that it will somehow improve your website.

I suppose it's all part of the bigger 'web 2.0' woooo, I'd like to find the guy who invented that phrase and kick his mother in the c**t. The amount of bullshit I have had to endure from external agencies employed by big fat MD's who haven't got a clue is shocking. Come on really if you have more than 2 braincells in your head you know that it's a load of old shite. Especially if you think having a web2.0 site means that you have to have a checklist of blog, video, audio, ugc, fuck me that's just having a website sunshine.

Now getting back to blogs or websites for idiots, I think that this is partially to blame for everyone thinking that they are now some expert in online. I have to say in the 8 or so years that I have been working in online the lack of knowledge possessed by people is frankly stunning. Not just this but because they spend all day not doing any work and surfing the web they think they are experts, do me a favour. Seriously in any other company than online do you get anybody turning up to meetings to give their opinion on how things are done, than technology in an online business, do they go into finance meetings and tell them how they think the year end accounts should be done. Do they bollox, seriously fuck off back to your own department and don't even get me started on online marketing and seo.

Holidays and hotels

Now me and the girlfriend are looking at booking a holiday, now she is all for the adventure going off the beaten track. This is all well and good but I'm a bit older now and long gone are the 6 weeks of Summer holidays it's a 2 week break at best. Now this affects the way that I think about holidays, I want to relax and preferably somewhere reasonably warm. So we pick up our laptops as is the way the holiday bookings these days and both found destinations and hotels. I have to say that both of us look for destinations that aren't going to be full of screaming kids and northern tattooed individuals. Now I've said this to other people and often they call me a snob, but my reasoning is this......

Why would I spend £2,000 odd to go to a place and mix with people that I would avoid on a daily basis anyway and why would I also stay somewhere that is not as nice as my flat?

Now really think about that it makes perfect sense, would you pay to stay in your own house for 2 weeks? No, then why would you pay to stay in somewhere that isn't even as nice. There is also another factor in this and comes back to one of the first things I talked about, the pursuit of sex. Think about it are you really going to benefit for the full delights of holiday humping if you are staying a dirty little shoebox that resembles a 70's porno set with a whiff of damp? It kind of kills the lying by the pool / beach and suggesting a bit of lunchtime exercise if the room is nasty. However a nice hotel room you will reap the rewards, thinking back to some of the places that I have stayed in I would say that there is a definite correlation between the better the room and the more fun you can have in it.

Moral of the story you get what you pay for ;)

A stereotypical stabbing?

Now walking through London the other day I was approached by a couple of tourists who were looking a bit lost as you do. Approaching me the lady said (in an American accent) "Excuse me Sir, do you know where Holborn underground is?" now ignoring the stereotype of the woman asking for directions because the man obviously knew exactly where he was and just had to find his bearings. Got me thinking about stereotypes, it's not very often that I am called Sir and once pointing them in the right direction the classic stereotype line followed "You have a nice day Sir" I thought about this for a while and wondered why I was the one isolated for their question. That's when I realised it was stereotype that may have influenced that as well. It just so happened that I was actually wearing a pin stripe minus the bowler hat and umbrella but almost "the London city man".

Now in the odd way that my mind works and the recent rise in knife crime got me to thinking if I went to America what would happened if I got robbed? Would they approach me say "Sir give me your wallet or I'll stab you" and then follow it up with "have a nice day" as they scarper. Would those Americans be expected to be robbed in a similar stereotypical way in London "Excuse me, may I trouble you for your wallet in exchange for not sticking this awfully sharp knife in you" followed up with "I'm frightfully sorry old chap, but at least the weather is nice". Probably not I suspect both would be pretty similar involving shouting local slang that no tourist would ever be able to understand.

Questions that there are no right answers to

Now as all men know there are a certain questions that are seriously loaded, to not answer them is trouble these are the type fo questions that I classify as the questions with no right answers. I'll list them as they occur.

1. Did you go to a strip club? (After a stag weekend)
2. Do I look fat in this?

Please feel free to add any questions with no right answers that you know of.